Calling Out to Train Starrers and Perverts

Creepy-looking guy stares at woman, sits down next to her and pulls the cheesiest grin. 

Pervert Man: Do you have a boyfriend?

Poor Woman: [looks around uncomfortably] Yes.

Pervert Man: It’s ok, I can still like you. [Moves closer to her]

Poor Woman: Can you leave me alone, please.

Ok, there are so many things wrong with this. Firstly, you look like a creep. Secondly, you really don’t help your creepy image when your only chat up line is actually quite a personal question. And most importantly, did I miss that new bill passed in the House of Commons that said it’s now completely legal to pester a woman JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE HER. These kind of situations frustrate me so much it makes me want to work harder at my degree, become a sell-out, join the Labour Party, commit election fraud and claim expenses all so I, as future (first Black, Muslim and Hijab wearing. Brrrap) MP can introduce a law that says sick men like Pervert Man should be forced to walk around with the word PERVERT tattooed on their foreheads for the benefit of womankind. Honestly!

But I bet loads of other normal people find a lot of issues with the public transport in London. Like train starrers? Anyone find them mind-bogglingly confusing? Why do people feel the need to just stare at you? Because it makes me feel really paranoid! Is there some sort of huge palm tree growing out of my headscarf that you just have to look at? Mirror-check: nope. Absolutely no growth on my Hijab. Perhaps a skunk found its way in to my bag and now I reek like, well, a skunk. That can’t be right because even I could still smell the Body Shop Tendre Citron Gel Douche I’d used that morning. Or maybe you just came to London from the outskirts of Emmerdale and have never seen a non-white person, let alone a MOSLEM! AAAAGH! A frightening experience? I would certainly be scared of me: I’m argumentative, stubborn, cranky at times, and crankier when I haven’t eaten in the last four hours.

The other day I was, like the good citizen I am, on the tube reading and when I peeped out to see which stop I was at and this pompous looking man gave me the most evil stare to have ever come my way, as if to say I shouldn’t even be allowed to live! Countless other times people will stand and the seats besides me have gone vacant all because apparently, I let off what I now call, the Muslim Scent. And I happen to think that it smells bloody well nice. Sometimes its Mint & Tea Tree bath gel, yesterday it was a hint of this Jean-Paul Gaultier taster I dug out of my Year 10 Paris trip bag and when I’m feeling rich, I let off this Lush shower bomb scent (which, contrary to its description on the Lush website doesn’t really explode. But still nice!).

But I still think all this rude. I mean I would never stare at a person even if they smelled of alcohol and cigarettes, which lots of passengers do. And I certainly wouldn’t stare at someone regardless of whether they were dressed like Lady Gaga- I might look out of bemusement/sorrow/confusion but I would not stare! I really wish people would realise that sometimes, your staring is cringingly obvious and also very offensive to the poor little person (in this case me) who spends the rest of the journey pretending to read boring adverts all the while having to avoid eye contact with you. Its not nice to know people are staring at you simply because you look ‘different’ to them (Native Deen springs to mind here). 

Anyway, I thought I’d dedicate this last bit to annoying facebookers- mainly girls- who constantly feel the need to tell everyone via their status’ about that “UGLY B**** [followed by various other nasty words) WHO THINKS SHE CAN GET AWAY WIT STEALN MY MAN. GNA BANG U OWT.” Seriously, why not have a dig at “ur man” who was foolish enough to be ‘stolen’ by that girl who is apparently so ugly anyway. A bit of dignity certainly wouldn't go amiss.

Well, aurevoir to anyone who managed to make their way to the bottom of this rant. But anyone who knows me knows that it's what I do best! In the mean time, listen to this!

Sexion D'Assaut- Désolé