Houmous and Solar Panels.

I went to meet some friends at my Uni coffee shop to exchange revision notes before exams, and to my horror (i'm possibly exaggerating) what I walked in to was a clichéd conversation on climate change, Boris’ bikes for London and probably The Green Party.

This one girl was just really annoying; you know the type whose parents name their children after countries they’ve never actually been to (no doubt its because they’re forever trying to prove they wholeheartedly embrace these wonderful ethnic cultures- what does that even mean?!). I mean you wouldn’t name your child ‘New Zealand’ so why India? Unless you’re actually Indian or have some sort of connection to it, its just hilarious.

Can you imagine, perfect little family on their environmentally friendly hiking trip, and Dad shouts from the top, “New Zealand! Democratic Republic of China! Me and mum have made it. Give us a hoot if you’re hungry, we’ll rope down some houmous.”

Not that there’s anything wrong with houmous (which by the way, is not Israeli), but it’s just so annoying when people say Humas. Ha-mas? HOU-MOUS. Like when they say ‘Ramadam.’ It’s Ramadan, not that hard to get really.  I find it so funny how some people think eating houmous and guacamole makes them half Lebanese half Mexican. And then they constantly have to name-drop any ‘ethnic’ people they know, “the Turkish guy at my grocery store is practically my uncle.” Sorry, what’s Turkey got to do with your Lebanese heritage? I sometimes wonder how this lot would have survived 100 years ago. Picture yourself living in great-o-great Britain back then, what would you eat?! Boiled carrots. Yum. I’m glad I’m not British- I don’t have to live with the knowledge that my poor ancestors suffered at the hands of the ever torturous Broccoli and Brussels sprouts.

Talking of irritating pronunciations, ‘Muzlim.’ I’m not a cloth thank you very much. Muslim! Mus-lim. C’mon everyone, like a snake, ‘sssssssss.’ That’s it, ‘Muslim.’ Thank you. 

Back to this ridiculously boring conversation, “I’d love to install solar panels in my house. It would be so much better for the environment.”

Me, bored out of my wits (I’d just listened to what felt like three millennia of talk about how they’d successfully campaigned for wind turbines in their area, to which the other girl replies, “Oh, you’re so inspiring how you work so hard.” Wow, please, tell me more. Note the sarcasm.): “Wow, please, tell me more Oh enlightened one.” (Here's something you should watch if you still think wind turbines are a great idea)

“Ohhh I saw the saddest thing yesterday. That documentary about India (the country, not the girl) on T.V and this man kept using this donkey to carry his load up the hill and the he looked so sad.” EXCUSE ME? At this point the ‘he’ refers to the donkey, not the man. Never mind that the man has a wife and children who all work about 12 hours a day and still don’t have enough to put food on their plates, and that they’ve never been to see a doctor or been to school or... No, wait, wait for this, “they do it in Africa as well.” Ooo kay, do you really think that a village in India or ‘Africa’ (as if it’s a country. Actually it’s a continent and a big one too.) for that matter want a stupid bunch of girls (who regularly like to philosophise on Žižek), sitting drinking coffee to tell them how to live? Using donkeys and other animals for load is their way of life. Or are you proposing they use cars instead? In that case, d’you wanna pay for it?  And do you actually think that they have roads designed for cars? But hold on, you’re a savior of the environment- so why not pester Boris to lend them his magnificent bikes.

And the one who wanted solar panels, if you’re that concerned about climate change, why do you and your friends rent such a huge house? And preaching to me about how the meat I eat is “bad for the I’m not going to say the word coz I’m so sick of hearing it”, well so is the canned food you feed your cat. And in case you didn’t think for yourself (believe me, being told that you’re thinking freely doesn’t mean that you are), houmous is made from chickpeas- they don’t grow in this country so they’re transported here using vehicles which no doubt emit plenty of greenhouse gasses.  Same with the avocado in your guacamole.

Look, I don’t see anything at all wrong with taking an interest in the climate change- it's admirable- but only when it’s genuine. Not patronising and preachy. And not self-congratulatory. I see so many people too proud of themselves for doing something so small compared to the involuntary sacrifices people are forced to make around the world. It sounds no different to the wealthy boasting about how much money they give to charity. I also have no issues with vegetarianism- Hindus in India (again, the country, not the irritating brat) have been vegetarian since probably forever coz they’ve actually been following a religion. But Hindus don’t preach to me or to others about their beliefs, which is what marks the difference.

Obviously, you should be proud of what you believe in and what you do, but lecturing us through articles in The Guardian or boring conversations a.k.a bragging sessions on who happens to be greener, well I just switch off really. If you want to engage more people in to caring for the environment –which is necessary- then ditch the patronising attitude.  Most of all though, check with yourself that this is actually what you believe and that you’re not just doing it because you want people to look at you and say, “Oh, you’re so inspiring how you work so hard.” 

Finally, in line with my much sought after french heritage here's an image of some brie cheese baked in filo pastry. Yum, that's better than boiled carrots, and I'm definitely half French now.